BIG GIRL GLASSES
By Hilary De Silvia
2005, July 13
Hello, my name is Hilary. I am seven years old and I know everything. There are approximately six gazillion people in the world but more than half live under water. No one listens to me because I am small and walk into things a lot. When I grow up, I’ll be a lawyer in the morning, a teacher in the noon and a scientist by night. If I feel like it, maybe I will be queen of the world. I will eat whatever I want to and mommy will not tell me I cannot eat the whole chocolate bar at once. By then, I will be older than Mike and Issy so they will not get more food than me.
You can’t eat chocolate every day for the rest of your life and live in a candy house because dying before the age of thirty from sugar actually happens. For your information, thirty is not middle aged as we thought, it’s actually fifty but people are just in denial about it. You won’t understand how to do your taxes even if you get all A’s in Math. There will never be an answer as to why we do Algebra and we will never need it. That silver dollar you planted in the crusty dirt behind the clothes line is not going to sprout hundred dollar bills because you watered it with apple juice you didn’t want to finish. It’s not going to grow regardless of whether you add milk for calcium. Those VHS tapes with inaccurate fairytale plots will really screw you over. Why are you so gullible to believe a prince charming is going to show up on a white horse and beat up your brothers? We don’t even like horses or the color white and its impossible for you to “out-age” your brothers. They will always be older; that’s just the way it is.
Also, a day job doesn’t take less than thirty minutes to do. Barbie only switches careers every three hours because you have the mini outfits and no, you do not automatically know everything for the job once you’re wearing the right outfit with accessories. Better said, we need to take a test to study for four years to earn a doctorate in order to take another exam to be a practicing lawyer so you should start liking school more. For your betterment, please stop reading in the dark; we’ll need glasses by the time you’re thirteen but won’t admit it until sixteen. Maybe speak up some more in class too. If you read the book and not talk about it, the teachers won’t believe you. I advise you to rethink that world domination scheme you have wrapped up in the closet since you will come to find out sleeping is very important to you. It’s two-thousand and seventeen and I wake up every day knowing how my day won’t go. So at least go dig up that silver dollar and put it in a piggy bank; better yet, put it back in mommy’s purse. It’s such a shame you’ll never receive this; it could have been a great wakeup call that you wouldn’t answer.
Hilary De Silvia is an Honors Student and Criminal Justice major here at Monroe College.